I recently enjoyed my five-year colonoscopy. OK, enjoyed is not the correct term; endured is more like it.
Five years ago, I had to drink what seemed like a bathtub’s worth of putrid liquid, but they’ve made great progress. This time I only had to drink half a bathtub, and the flavor was lemon-lime, not unlike my memory of 7-Up, which I have not tasted since I got the measles at 16 and couldn’t eat solid food. Sorry, 7-Up.
I strategically stationed myself no more than 10 feet from the bathroom, and wore my short samurai-style bathrobe and nothing else. To call the effect of “HalfLightly” dramatic does not even come close. We are talking about bathroom Olympics here, where speed, control and agility are essential. The only other choice is to grab a good book, sit down and simply never get up for six hours.
The next morning, I arrived at the hospital at 6:45 a.m. and was taken to a room where I placed my belongings in a plastic bag and donned the archetypal hospital gown that is open in the back. “How convenient,” I wryly commented to myself. A grandmotherly nurse inserted the IV line and I was wheeled off to the colonoscopy palace. As I rolled in, a fellow traveler rolled out looking totally spent, like he’d just endured having a nine-foot long camera snaked up his colon.
“Good morning!” said my doctor, Steven Steady, chipper and happily going about his business at an ungodly hour. You’ve got to like a doctor named Steady who performs colonoscopies. Imagine how it would feel to have doctor Wiggly, Jerky or Rough! We bantered for a while about death and other cheery topics and then I was whisked into the inner sanctum. “Can I get a CD to show my friends and family?” I asked. “Hahaha,” everybody laughed. Hey – I was serious!
Last time, I tried to be the macho tough-guy using no anesthetic; I lasted 30 seconds. This time I had no illusions, and told them to put me under. “Feel anything yet?” the nurse asked. “Nope,” I replied, “not …” That’s as far as I got. Next thing I knew I was waking up and somebody was talking to me, but I did not really hear them, and was I really awake or just dreaming? And then my clothes were on and I was handed a photo and somebody said something and Stanley drove me home and I don’t really remember any of that too well, as you can tell. My wife later told me they administer an amnesia drug, and given what happens in that colonoscopy room, I think it’s good I don’t remember.
Dr. Steady removed four small polyps this time, three the last; I seem to have talent in growing polyps. For those of you who are over 50, it’s time to join the club – seriously. Colon cancer is a leading cause of death, and caught early, is very treatable. The absolute best treatment is to remove any type of precancerous growth, like polyps. I can’t say a colonoscopy is fun, but overall it is tolerable, and well … I got a column out of it.
