Just as necessity is the mother of invention, so do desperate times demand imaginative solutions. Accordingly, it’s clear that the time has now come to introduce Kibble for People.
The economy is in a shambles, the unemployment rate is growing. Junk and fast food sales increase every year and people are fatter than ever. Diabetes and other obesity-related illnesses are sapping America’s heath care dollars. Food, which used to be about nourishment and hunger satisfaction, is now about money and fashion, spawning aisle after aisle of good-looking packages filled with silly pasta shapes and colors, dozens of cereals that have more in common with candy than breakfast, and sodas and juices in odd combinations that sound good but taste awful. The solution is kibble for people.
We feed kibble to cats and dogs, and they seem to like it. It contains all the necessary proteins, vitamins and minerals necessary for a long and healthy life. It’s inexpensive, easy to store, easy to use and can be served wet or dry. Its only drawback is that it’s boring, but cats and dogs don’t complain, do they?
It would be beneficial for our food to be boring. We are altogether too obsessed with food in all its forms; in fact we keep inventing new forms of food because we are so afraid of food boredom! Food is our favorite entertainment, but it’s killing us. Time was we needed less entertainment – working the land or making things with our hands took plenty of time – and food might have been a welcome break, but certainly not time-filling entertainment.
Kibble for people – what we’ll call People Chow – is the obvious answer to so many problems. Produced in only one flavor and only one shape, varied in formula based on nutritional needs alone, People Chow will be the simplest food; nothing about it will be entertaining. Sure, some obsessive people will pick and choose individual pieces of kibble, drawn to one over another based on some shape defect or slight color variation, but in time it will just be nibbled by the handful to satisfy hunger. Left in a bowl on the counter or next to the bed, kibble will be an all-day food; breakfast, lunch and dinner will fade away and disappear. Like cats, we’ll eat when we’re hungry, plain and simple.
This is such an obvious solution to America’s hunger problem I can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet. Friends, I’m not talking about Soylent Green; in my plan People Chow will not be made from dead people. We’d need a Department of Kibble in the White House to make sure it’s made well and honestly. We would not import Kibble from China, I hope. I want good-old American kibble made right here by good-old hard-working Americans!
Imagine never having to think about what to prepare for dinner and spending half of what you spend today on food. Imagine the time to be saved by eliminating mealtimes and shopping, cooking and dishes. No more television ads for pizza and burgers. Waistlines will shrink, doctor visits will be fewer and we will all live longer. With kibble, complexions will greatly improve, our hair will be thicker and more lustrous, and we all will sleep as soundly as babes.
